Why Sex Feels Unsafe Even in a Loving Christian Marriage
Faith-based counselling to restore intimacy, safety, and joy in Christian couples’ relationships.
Anna and Josh had been married for six years. They loved each other deeply, shared the same faith, and had a solid friendship. But every time they tried to be intimate, something didn’t feel right.
For Anna, physical closeness triggered anxiety. Her heart would race, her body would shut down, and afterwards she’d feel ashamed—like something was wrong with her. Josh felt confused and rejected, wondering if he was doing something wrong.
They couldn’t understand it. Their relationship was safe, so why did sex feel so unsafe?
The Link Between Trauma and the Body
What Anna didn’t realise was that her body was still holding on to unprocessed trauma from years ago—a toxic relationship that blurred the lines of consent and left her feeling powerless. Even though her mind knew she was safe with Josh, her nervous system wasn’t convinced.
This is the reality for many individuals and couples: past trauma can silently shape current intimacy, even in a healthy and loving marriage.
Sexual trauma isn’t just about major events like abuse. It can include emotional manipulation, shame-based teachings, betrayal, body shaming, or being pressured into sex before you were ready. And trauma doesn't have to be sexual to affect sexuality: chronic anxiety, neglect, bullying, or spiritual abuse can all impact how safe someone feels in their body.
How Trauma Shows Up in the Bedroom
If trauma is unresolved, it can affect sexual connection in a variety of ways:
Low or no desire for sex, even when emotionally connected
Painful sex (physically or emotionally)
Shutting down or “checking out” during intimacy
Fear of being touched, even by a loving partner
Guilt or shame after sex, even when consensual
Difficulty communicating needs or boundaries
Performance anxiety or difficulty relaxing
This isn’t about being broken. It’s about how the brain and body protect us. As therapist and trauma researcher Bessel van der Kolk wrote: “The body keeps the score.” But the good news? With the right support, the body can also heal.
God Cares About Your Healing
As Christians, we often want to move on quickly, trusting God and leaving the past behind. But Scripture also honours the reality of our emotional and physical wounds.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” — Psalm 147:3
God isn’t asking you to suppress your pain—He wants to walk with you through it. He created you as a whole person; body, mind, and spirit. Sexual healing is part of His restoration plan.
There’s No Shame in Needing Help
Many couples try to “pray away” sexual challenges or push through discomfort without understanding the deeper roots. But sex isn’t just physical—it’s deeply emotional, spiritual, and neurological.
At Harmony House Counselling, we offer therapy that integrates:
Trauma-informed care
Faith-based understanding
Psychosexual education
Couples support to rebuild connection and safety
Whether you’re recovering from sexual trauma, spiritual shame, past betrayal, or emotional wounding, you are not alone—and you are not beyond healing.
Take the First Step Toward Healing
Your story matters. You deserve to feel safe in your own body and deeply connected to your spouse. If sex is painful, triggering, or emotionally distressing, that’s not something to ignore. It’s a signal that your body is asking for care.
Ready to take a gentle step forward?
Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists today or explore our free resources for Christian couples navigating intimacy, trauma, and healing.
Your Thoughts
Sexual trauma can create invisible walls between couples, even when love is strong. Understanding how trauma affects the nervous system, communication, and trust is a powerful first step toward reclaiming intimacy.
Talk with your partner about how past experiences might be affecting your connection. Let these questions guide you:
What messages (spoken or unspoken) did I receive about sex growing up, and how might they still affect me?
When do I feel most emotionally and physically safe with my partner?
What would it look like to move toward healing together, instead of trying to fix this alone?