When One Wants More: Bridging the Bedroom Gap in a Christian Marriage
Desire differences don’t mean you’re broken — they mean it’s time to talk.
“Am I broken? Or is he just insatiable?”
That’s what Mara whispered during her second counselling session*.
She’d been married for 8 years to Josh, a loving husband and godly man. But behind closed doors, there was an unspoken tension: he wanted sex often — she rarely did.
Mara felt shame. Josh felt rejection.
Neither of them felt safe enough to talk about it — not at church, not with friends, not even with each other.
They’re not alone.
Many Christian couples struggle with mismatched sex drives, and the silence around it is causing more harm than the difference itself.
Sexual Desire Isn’t Always “Equal” — And That’s Okay
In nearly every relationship, one person will naturally have a higher level of desire. It could be tied to biological rhythms, stress levels, past trauma, hormones, mental health, spiritual beliefs, or even simple personality differences.
This is called Desire Discrepancy, and it’s incredibly common.
But instead of seeing it as a “problem to fix,” couples can learn to view it as a chance to understand each other more deeply, communicate more clearly, and grow in emotional and spiritual intimacy.
When Difference Feels Like Rejection
For the higher-desire partner, a “no” can feel deeply personal.
For the lower-desire partner, pressure to perform can feel like emotional suffocation.
Without healthy communication, couples fall into cycles:
Withdrawal
Resentment
Silent guilt
Confusion about what’s “normal”
Christian couples are often told: “Sex is a gift from God!” But when it’s causing pain or division, that gift can feel more like a burden.
Here’s where God’s design for mutual love and understanding comes in.
What Does the Bible Say?
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
— Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV)
While this verse isn’t directly about sex, it speaks powerfully into sexual relationships: Desire is real. But so is selflessness. In healthy intimacy, no one is entitled and no one is ignored. Both partners matter.
Healing the Gap: Let’s Get Practical
Here’s what we often explore with couples in therapy:
Psychoeducation on Desire Types:
Spontaneous Desire: Happens quickly, often triggered by attraction or mood.
Responsive Desire: Develops slowly and is triggered by emotional closeness or intentional connection.
Neither is wrong. But not knowing the difference can lead to false assumptions like, “You don’t find me attractive” or “You’re too demanding.”
Communication Tools:
Schedule weekly “intimacy check-ins” — not just about sex, but about feeling wanted, safe, and heard.
Use “I feel” statements instead of blame:
“I feel distant when we go a long time without touch” instead of “You never want me anymore.”
Therapy for the Deeper Layers:
Desire is often impacted by unspoken things — shame from purity culture, body image, stress, anxiety, even past sexual trauma.
You don’t have to work through that alone. We help couples untangle those deeper blocks with grace and compassion.
Ready to Talk About It?
At Harmony House Counselling, we offer faith-integrated therapy for couples who want to build healthier, more honest, and more intimate relationships.
Whether you’re the partner who wants more or the one who feels overwhelmed — we’re here to help you move from confusion to connection.
✨ Book a confidential session today and find out more about how we can help address a wide range of issues.
Your Thoughts
Desire differences aren’t a marriage failure — they’re an invitation to learn, love, and grow. When handled with understanding, patience, and grace, they can even draw you closer together. Consider these reflection questions:
What messages did I receive growing up about sex, desire, and roles in marriage?
When do I feel most emotionally and physically connected to you?
How can we create space to talk about our desires without fear or shame?
*Please note, all stories shared are fictional, and based on common client issues addressed within therapy.