Masturbation, Marriage & God: A Conversation Worth Having
“So, is it a sin if I do it… even when I’m married?”
This was the hesitant question from Mark, a husband of 12 years, sitting nervously during a couples therapy session*. His wife, Rachel, looked just as uneasy but nodded — confirming it was an issue they had never dared speak about until now. They were both committed believers, faithful in church and in their parenting, but when it came to sexual desire, solo intimacy, and Christian values… things felt confusing.
For many Christian couples, masturbation is either dismissed entirely as sinful or never discussed at all. Silence, shame, and secrecy surround the topic, and that silence creates distance in marriage.
But here’s the truth: the conversation around masturbation in Christian marriage is not about permission or prohibition alone — it’s about purpose, intimacy, and understanding God’s design for sex in the context of covenant.
Let's Talk Science (and Soul)
From a psychosexual perspective, masturbation is commonly understood as a response to sexual arousal and desire. It may function in various ways, including as a form of stress relief, a means of bodily self-awareness, or as a coping mechanism. While it is a widespread behaviour, its psychological and relational implications can vary greatly depending on individual, cultural, and moral frameworks.
For Christian singles, it is closely tied to temptation. For married individuals, it raises different questions:
Is it selfish?
Is it a betrayal?
Is it okay if my spouse isn't available?
What if it’s something we do together?
What matters most is the intent and impact within the marriage. Even when it’s not compulsive, masturbation can still create emotional or spiritual distance in marriage, especially if it becomes a substitute for intimacy. When masturbation becomes a secretive habit that replaces marital intimacy, it can erode trust and connection. But when couples are open about it, it can even become an opportunity for mutual exploration and enhanced intimacy — yes, even spiritually.
What Does the Bible Say?
While the Bible doesn’t explicitly mention masturbation, it does emphasise sexual integrity, mutual satisfaction, and honouring the marriage bed.
“The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.”
— 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 (NIV)
This scripture highlights mutuality, not ownership. It’s not a license for control, but a call to generosity. Sexual activity, including solo expressions, should serve the intimacy, trust, and spiritual health of the marriage.
Shame Keeps Us Silent, Grace Sets Us Free
Many Christian couples grew up hearing that any form of self-touch is dirty or perverse. But shame isn’t from God… shame drives us into hiding, while grace invites us into healing.
In therapy, couples like Mark and Rachel often realise their arguments about masturbation are actually about:
Unspoken sexual expectations
Past sexual trauma or purity culture messages
Fear of rejection
Lack of communication
Working through these deeper layers brings true freedom — not just in the bedroom, but in the heart.
So… Is It Okay?
Here are some guiding questions:
Is it a shared or secret practice?
Does it draw you closer to your spouse or create emotional distance?
Is it a tool for connection, or is it a way to avoid conflict or vulnerability?
If masturbation is used as an escape, an addiction, or a solo solution to marital dissatisfaction, it’s a red flag. But if it’s something you talk about together, it can open up vulnerable, healing conversations.
Ready to Heal and Grow?
If this post made you uncomfortable — that’s okay. It probably means it struck a chord. God is not afraid of your questions, and we’re not either.
Our Christian Couples & Sex Therapy services are a safe, confidential place to talk about the hard stuff — without judgment. We bring faith, psychology, and compassion into every session to help you heal, grow, and enjoy the marriage God designed for you.
Your Thoughts
Sexual intimacy was never meant to be a source of confusion, shame, or fear — especially in Christian marriage. Talking about masturbation is less about what’s allowed and more about what brings you closer as a couple, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. You don’t need to suffer in silence… healing starts with an honest conversation:
How did your upbringing shape your views on masturbation or self-pleasure?
Do you feel comfortable talking to each other about your sexual desires or habits — why or why not?
What would it look like for us to approach this topic with grace, curiosity, and unity, instead of judgment or fear?
*Please note, all stories shared are fictional, and based on common client issues addressed within therapy.