I Waited Until Marriage: Navigating Regret and Intimacy in Christian Relationships
Faith-based counselling to help Christian couples navigate intimacy challenges after waiting until marriage.
When James and Chloe got married*, they had followed “all the rules.” They saved themselves for marriage, were active in their church community, and went through premarital counselling.
But six months into therapy, Chloe sat and whispered something she hadn’t said out loud — not even to James:
“I thought waiting would make sex amazing. But it just feels awkward, disappointing… even painful. I feel like something’s wrong with me.”
James, on the other hand, admitted he felt rejected and confused. “We honoured God. Why does it feel like we’re being punished?”
This is a scenario we hear more often than you’d think.
When Purity Culture Collides with Reality
In many Christian spaces, sex is framed as a “reward” for waiting. But that message, even if well-intentioned, can create deep emotional consequences:
Sex becomes idealised: The expectation is that it will be effortless and deeply satisfying from night one.
Bodies become sources of shame: Especially for women, who are often taught to suppress desire.
Regret feels sinful: Admitting disappointment can feel like betraying your faith or your partner.
The truth? Waiting until marriage doesn’t guarantee instant compatibility. Sexual connection (like emotional or spiritual connection) takes time, communication, and sometimes healing.
What Regret Really Means
Regret isn’t always about the choice itself. It’s often about what the choice didn’t prepare you for.
For many couples, the regret sounds like:
“I didn’t learn how to talk about sex.”
“I feel like I missed out on discovering my own body.”
“I thought doing it 'God’s way' meant we’d never struggle.”
These are valid feelings, and naming them is the first step toward growth.
What You Were Never Taught
Here’s what most couples weren’t told in youth group:
1. Desire is a skill, not just a feeling.
Just like you learn to communicate or budget, you learn how to experience and express sexual desire safely and openly with your spouse.
2. “First-time” sex is often awkward.
Nerves, lack of knowledge, and emotional pressure can make early sexual experiences underwhelming — or even painful. This is especially true if no one ever talked to you about how arousal, anatomy, and relaxation actually work.
3. Sexual shame can be internalised… deeply.
Many Christians carry subconscious beliefs like:
“Sex is dirty.”
“Desire is sinful.”
“Good girls don’t want it.”
These beliefs don’t disappear with a wedding ring.
A Biblical Lens on Grace and Growth
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” — Romans 8:1
If God doesn’t condemn you for your disappointment, neither should you.
The Bible never promises that sex will be perfect — it promises that God is near in your struggle, and that grace can redeem every part of your story.
Your body, your marriage, and your healing journey are not broken. They are becoming.
Where to Go from Here
You don’t need to stay stuck in silence or shame.
At Harmony House Counselling, we walk with couples who feel disappointed, confused, or disconnected after sex didn’t live up to what they were promised.
We offer:
Faith-integrated couples and sex therapy
Psychosexual education
Gentle, trauma-informed support for past purity messaging or sexual shame
You’re not the only couple struggling. But you could be one of the few that finds lasting healing.
Click here to book a confidential therapy session to get started.
Your Thoughts
Sexual regret in Christian marriage is more common than many realise, but it doesn’t mean your faith or marriage is failing. It’s a sign that you’re ready to grow deeper, together. Here are some conversation-starters to help explore this topic with your spouse:
What expectations did you each bring into marriage about sex, and where did they come from?
Is there any unspoken shame or confusion you haven’t yet shared with each other?
What would it look like to approach sexual intimacy as something we learn and heal into, rather than something we “should” already know?
*Please note, all stories shared are fictional, and based on common client issues addressed within therapy.